It’s been awhile.  I’ve been living life.  Graduated from grad school, for the second time.  Moved back to the US, reluctantly.  Working a job I love, thankfully.  Searching for a church community to be part of, frustratingly.

And seeing someone.

I feel like in many ways, I’ve won the lottery.  Especially since we connected on fetlife and, well, fetlife has more than its fair share of creeps you have to sort through.  He’s a great guy.  Patient.  Gentle.  Respectful.  Intelligent.  (Seriously, complete sentences are such a turn on for me!)  Hits so many very nice buttons just to be with him.  Makes me feel safe and loved and cherished in a way I’ve never experienced before.

I want it to be enough.

But he’s nearly old enough to be my dad.  And even that would be fine….but I want kids and he, understandably, is done with having babies since he is already raising 3 of his own.

And our vanilla lives have some serious incompatibilities to be overcome.   And there’s a lot I’m not ready to walk away from.

And he isn’t Christian.   He 100% supports my faith but I want someone who shares it in some way.  I’m tired of sitting alone in church each Sunday.

But when we are together, when we are in our own little world, everything just feels so right and so wonderful.  And it hurts like hell each time I have to leave.  And I know he would plan a future together for us in a heartbeat, if I could just let go of the kids thing, and the faith thing and make my vanilla world work more smoothly with his.

So we know, we have a spoken but rarely talked about agreement, that I’ll keep looking for the guy who offers that little bit more and in the mean time, we will enjoy our little bubble of a world as much as possible.  All the while wishing that our bubble could be enough for both of us.

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