I’ve been trying to figure out something for awhile now. Why the appeal of bondage? Specifically, why does bondage which flows more towards mummification hold some appeal to me?
It wasn’t all that long ago I had a bad case of sub drop. And since then, I’ve felt a little shaky in general. Not still dropping but not 100% back to my old self either. It finally dawned on me a week ago that usually when I’m feeling this way, my thyroid is out of whack and my meds need to be adjusted (seriously, thyroid disease can really suck!) so I’ve made an appointment. But in processing and waiting for that appointment and blood work, something else has also occurred to me.
I’ve discovered that I love being held. Especially when things seem a bit overwhelming. Or at the very least, I need to hold on tightly to something, or someone. I need to feel anchored. I need to feel like I won’t literally fall apart. A few months ago I was with the guy I’ve been exploring with. We are doing the semi long distance thing so I’m always wanting to make the most of the time we have together. So, for me, that means not getting overly emotional when I’m with him. But this one time, it was just too much and as I lay curled up next to him, I just started crying.
He was great. He just held me tighter until I could answer his softly spoken question, “What’s wrong?” We talked. We put the sexy times on hold. I felt calmer, less overwhelmed, less crazy. And big part of that was that he didn’t let go of me the entire time.
I think that’s part of why bondage appeals to me. I look at the images of girls being tightly bound, tightly wrapped and I can’t help but think how much I wish I could feel tightly held in anything at all when my emotions threaten to get the better of me. For that feeling reminds me that I am here, I am real, I am solid, I’m not breaking into the millions of pieces it feels like I’m breaking into…..and in that reminder, I feel safe to let go and express what I keep too often bottled up inside.