Dating Sucks

I’ll just say it.  No, I need to say it.  Dating after the age of 25 sucks.  Dating when you are nearly 40, sucks even more.

I had no idea I was this emotional.  Like most days I find myself on the verge of actual tears.  Why?

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While, to the best of my knowledge, I have not been on a date with a married man, I pretty much 100% concur with Meredith Gray.   Men – and their stupid penises.

So clearly the dating game has not been my favorite game this past year.  I met a great guy, we clicked in the way movies are made about and novels are written about.  I don’t click easily with people.  With him I clicked so easily.  And then his crazy ex started hauling back into court multiple times a month to sue for more child support, less visitation, more alimony….whatever she could think of.  And his life was consumed by it.  And before you know it, he’s moved to a new town in a new state and I’m not even on the radar to tell about it.

Then I meet the guy that’s the perfect match on paper.  We are both intellectuals.  We are both single, never married.  We both love teaching (different things, but still).  We share very similar political and religious beliefs.  Check that box.  Cross of the next item on the list.  We are having fun together.  We are emailing pretty much every day (long, involved emails).  And then he doesn’t have time, he needs to focus on the projects he has undertaken at home.  I call him on his shit.  He’s breaking up with me and just doesn’t want to say it.  At least he admitted he was being a less than ideal human for doing it over email after saying he was making plans for us to spend time together that weekend.  What a way to ring in 2018.  Ugh.

Some time goes by and I’ve started up a pleasant online chat with a more local guy.  He seems a good balance between the two previous guys.  We share our faith but he also enjoys being a bit more flirty and fun with his conversation.  He makes me smile and laugh.  But then he gets into a car accident.  He wants to get healed up before we meet.  OK.  I get that.  Good first impression and all.  We keep talking.  We keep having fun.  But he stops answering the serious questions and only acknowledges the flirty ones.  And when I call him on it, when I tell him that I’m not interested in being free, interactive online porn for him….crickets.  Fucking nothing.

I hate dating.  I hate it so much right now.  Whoever said this was fun should be locked away.  It’s ambiguity and angst.  It’s overthinking and overanalyzing.  It’s trying to be yourself while also trying to impress another person.  It’s being forced to be hyper aware of every single, tiny, miniscule little flaw in your personality, habits, and life.  It’s desperately wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are and being reminded again and again that who you are, isn’t good enough.  It’s getting your hopes up just in time to have them smashed into bits and pieces again.

Good, if teenagers are trying to figure all of this out, no wonder they act so damn insane all the time.  I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m supposed to be mature and responsible and able to handle all this shit.

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Oh the Irony

I have spent my entire life worshiping in a Christian church.  My faith is a significant part of who I am and who I will continue to be.  But the Christian church needs to address some serious issues when it comes to sex and relationships.

A big part of what I’ve been told as a female for as long as I can remember in the church is that it is not what is on the outside that matters, but what is on the inside.  That beauty is more than skin deep.  That looks will fade but character will last forever.  That faith is the most important thing and so long as you are faithful to God, you will be rewarded with a husband who is a good guy and you will have great sex.

I’d like to call the Christian community on their bullshit.  And yes, I realize the chances of the Christian community finding this blog are slim but give me a break, I’m venting here folks!

I’ve been active in my local church since I was a kid going to Sunday school and youth group.  I’ve worked in a couple of churches.  I’ve been a key, active volunteer in a couple more.  I’ve coordinated regional youth events for multiple churches.  Not a single date.

I’ve joined dating websites, put my church stuff front and center.  Talked about how important faith is to me, how I want to be able to share that with someone.  I’ve talked about wanting to travel and explore the world.  As soon as they see my picture and realize I’m not now, nor will I ever be, a size six model, its crickets.  I recently put up a new profile which was clear in stating my body type as a BBW on eharmony… message.

And then there is my profile over on fetlife.  No picture of me posted there (for obvious reasons), a clear note on my body type, and yet I’ve met a handful of really amazing guys for whom it isn’t an issue.  So long as I’m happy and striving to be healthy.  They truly are interested in the person, and not just a trophy to show off.

It’s ironic that these guys who I have been warned away from, been told that they must be horrible monsters with no respect for women because they, likely, have seen porn, are the ones which make it clear that beauty is so much more about who a person is than what they look like.  It’s ironic that they are more a tangible example to me of Christ’s love than the guys I’ve met in the church.  It’s ironic that the people I’ve met there are more real and honest about themselves and their struggles than most of the people I’ve met in the church.

So church, shape up and be honest with yourself.  Stop claiming that physical appearance isn’t a top priority when your actions say otherwise.  Stop claiming you don’t wonder and struggle when you clearly do.  And stop claiming to be a place of grace, where it is save to talk about such things when you take that information to shame people back into silence.  You have so much to offer, if you’d just get out your own way and truly follow Jesus’ example.

Rant – Do Some Quality Research

Fair warning: Today’s post is going to venture more into the ranting side of life.  Inspired mostly by a blog post entitled: Do Christian Wives Have to Submit to Bondage and Sadomasochism Requests From Their Husbands?

Let’s just start by stating a few personal bias points which I will acknowledge come into play.  First, I am single and have never been married.  Second, I am a Christian who has some interesting in BDSM/kink.   Third, I have a master’s in Ministry and am just about to finish a second master’s in Scripture.  Fourth, one of my biggest pet peeves is when Scripture is taken out of context as it is primarily taken out of context by those who are abusive of the power they have been given but not earned.

So, shall we start the ranting?

First, let’s start with the ignorance the title of the post and the first few paragraphs reveal.  All of the author’s information is from wikipedia.  Zero effort has been made to understand that there is a very wide spectrum of activities covered by the four little letters of BDSM.  If you are going to write about anything and expect me to believe you to be any sort of authority, wikipedia will be the absolutely last source you quote to me.  You’ll use that only as a starting point, looking instead for at articles they have pulled their information from.  You will have talked with someone who has a lived experience and views it as positive as well as someone who views a lived experience negatively.  Also, it should be noted in the title as well as the introductory comments that the author interesting left out the Dominance/submission aspects of BDSM.  Interesting given those aspects actually, in many ways, line up with a lot of what is out there to help Christian women understand how to be a good submissive wife to their husband.

Second, given her lack of understanding of the wide range found within BDSM, there is no attempt to help the wife who has written in to request help to know what to do when her husband requests these activities.  I mean, let’s be honest for a moment and admit there is a lot of extreme stuff shown online under the title of BDSM.  But the reality of practising it for the large majority of it is much more mellow, tame, and realistic.  I’ll look at the images of a woman being whipped, or tightly bound, or subjected to a fucking machine and think to myself that those would be interesting activities to try but in the way most wonder what it would be like to skydive, or go bungee jumping off of a bridge, or visit Antarctica, or have high tea with the Queen of England.  The reality is that, if you do actually happen to experience one of these things, it is going to be a once in a lifetime experience.  I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that more communication around this subject has happened with this particular lady but I’m doubting it.

Third – Her initial response is to list a bunch of scripture as to why activities which involve pain and bruising aren’t godly.  Well then, I’m afraid there are a lot more activities which need to come off the list of acceptable, godly activities.  I mean think about anything and everything which causes you to feel pain or causes you to bruise.  As much as Scripture talks about heaven being a place of no more pain (side bar – does that mean I won’t stub my toe ever again once I’m in heaven?!), it also talks about there being a purpose to pain.  It teaches us.  It strengthens us.  And doing a little research into the reality of BDSM, the author would have learned that very little of the time in healthy, non-abusive BDSM relationships is pain inflicted just for the purpose of causing pain.  Instead a lot of it is about exploring that line between arousial and pain.  Or exploring the extremes between pain and pure bliss.

Fourth – Her advice focuses on confrontation, not communication.  And the last time I checked, it was communication which was a vital part of any healthy, loving relationship between two people, not confrontation.  And why are there twice as many steps to confront a wife who is not providing the sex you want versus 4 steps for confronting a husband who is not providing the sex you want.  I get that men and women are wired differently but seriously, that much so?  Where are the steps to help with effective communication?  Where is the guidance on fighting fair with your partner?  Where are the guidelines that will help him explain to her why he is interested in BDSM and her explain to him why a particular aspect doesn’t work for her?

Fifth – Sex, ultimately, is something wives should consent to doing for their husbands regardless of the enjoyment they may or may not find in it.  And people wonder why I’m not married.  I have enough on my to-do list, so sex which doesn’t offer an emotional connection, an increase in intimacy, which is simply an obligation I must fulfil as part of my wifely duties?  Thanks but no.  I can get that kind of sex by picking up a guy at a bar.  In marriage sex is supposed to be more than what you can get from a stranger.  Not to mention, this totally ignores the entire context of Ephesians 5.  While yes, vs. 22-24 talk about how wives are to submit to their husbands, vs. 25-33 focus on how the husband is to treat his wife.  He is to love her as Christ loved the Church – i.e. sacrificially, giving up his very life so that she may experience an abundance and fullness in her life.  He is treat her body as if it where his own – i.e. he shouldn’t be demanding that he be able to whip, spank, or bind her if he isn’t willing to let her do the same in return PLUS he should be seeking to be sure she experiences just as much physical pleasure as he does.

Sixth – Essentially, it all boils down the responsibility of the woman to make the sex life, if not great, then at least acceptable.  There is no call to men to educate themselves as to how to make sure their wife is experiencing pleasure when they have sex.  Wives are specifically encouraged to give “a great deal of respect and reference for your husband” but the reverse is omitted.

Last but not Least – Being that this article is posted by an exclusively Christian blogger, no where does the author address the issue of where the husband got his BDSM inspiration to start with.  I mean, after all, anything related to the BDSM world is considered porn by the conservative Christian community and yet no where are the men called to task on their obvious viewing of such sites.

It’s honestly crap like this that makes me want to scream and shake some common sense into my fellow Christians.  I do hope the couple the author is attempting help finds their way into counselling which, first and foremost, teaches them to talk to each other from a place of equal footing, love, and respect because clearly such help will not be offered by the blog’s author.

Sex and the Younger Generation

The 30 days of kink are done.  While it hasn’t helped with the story writing, it has helped me sort out some things in my head, so that’s good.  And the story writing needs to wait while I deal with a lot of life stuff in the next couple of weeks anyway.

But there have been a couple of posts from fellow bloggers in the last couple of days which have sparked some thoughts.  So I’m going to post those when I need  study break for the time being.

The first is a post entitled “The Depravity of Younger Generations.”  The basic question is why so many young women in particular expect/demand BDSM inspired/rough sex.  Sex to such and extreme that very, very few men would ever even ponder consenting to do, let alone enjoy doing, to another person in general, let alone someone they cared for.

And I get the frustration.  But I also get where the fantasy comes from, and what I want to talk a bit about.

The reality is that we live in a world where women’s worth i strongly attached to their physical appearance and sexuality.  We are told that is all men are thinking about is sex, that what they want is a girl who is willing to do anything in bed, that if we aren’t willing to live out a guy’s fantasy, he will just move onto the next girl who likely will act out that fantasy for him.  Additionally, there is a message out there that in order to keep a guy interested in being in a relationship in general, the only way to do that is through making sure he is sexually satisfied.

And all of these messages are shared at lightening speed in the last generation through the internet – especially with invention of web enabled phones which have the information available at any place, any time.  This access to information for the general public also makes it more and more available to younger and younger people.  Teens who are curious about sex.  Wanting to just know how it really works.  Trying to figure out if they are really ready for it or not.  And BDSM themes sights are easily available when searching for such information.

And heck, you don’t even need to be trying to figure out sex.  I came across my first BDSM site in searching for images for a worship service at my church.  The only “security” any of these sites generally have is to agree that you are an adult and legally allowed to view such images.  Additionally, you don’t need to go to specific porn sites.  Wordpress is an excellent example.  Thus, software which blocks the traditional porn addresses is not as effective for parents as they would like it to be.

So why are women, especially younger women, demanding the more and more extremes of kink?  Because more and more this is what they are seeing as “normal” when the search the internet for advice and answers.  It’s not complicated if you really stop to think about it for a moment.  But the solution is.  This didn’t happen overnight nor will find its way back to center overnight.

However, if you want to be part of the solution, start having real conversations about the balance between reality and fantasy.  Talk about how the real relationship actually makes the kink aspects more intense.  Educate yourself as to the beyond crazy sex stereotype  aspects and then educate those you run into who think that is what it is all about.  And a plea especially to the guys out there – when girls use the promise of crazy, kinky sex, prove yourself better than the stereotype of your gender and offer to buy them a cup of coffee and have a conversation with them, show them they are worth your time and attention even if they never, ever sleep with you.

Ranting – Dear Married Couples

Please excuse the interruption in your regularly scheduled blogging on the 30 days of kink for this random rant.  We will return to the regularly scheduled programming after this rant.

Dear Married People

Would you really just talk to each other?  Could you just really listen to more than the words your partner is saying and try to feel the emotion and desire behind them?  Do you have any idea how valuable this simple act would be in your relationship?

I haven’t been actually exploring and talking with people in the BDSM/kink scene for very long.  Just a few months actually.  But I have very quickly learned this: there are a lot of guys who really wish their partners would at least try and explore something on the kinky side of life.  There are a lot of them who are open and honest about being married and being on kink sites talking with other women, living out fantasies either online or, at times, in person.  But here’s the real kicker – they would much rather be doing that with their WIVES.

Now, I know, I’m only getting one side of the story.  Being a straight female, I’m getting the story from straight or bi males.  And I can fully accept that I’m not getting the full story.  I can fully accept that I might not be getting a shred of truth or honesty.  But I’m fairly straightforward in that a guy being in a real life committed relationship is pretty hard limit for me, that we can chat in a friendly manner but we likely won’t be exchanging much more, especially if what they are doing is a secret from their SO, thus, I’m fairly certain they aren’t lying about their relationship status to me.  And I’m fairly certain that, from their perspective, they are sharing a truthful view of the relationship.

So I want to put out a couple of pleas to the married people of the world.  First to the vanilla significant others (who I will be referring to as the wife because that is my experience):

Don’t just shut your guy down and label him a pervert if he wants to try something different when it comes to sex.  Ask questions.  Why do you want to try that?  How do you think that will enhance my sex life?  How much do you really know about said activity (especially important if it is something like bondage or spanking or something which has the potential to lead to physical harm)?  Tell more specifically what you are imagining (reading a story or seeing the image/video which inspired the thought are great things to ask for here).  Can I request a modification that I think will be a better idea for our particular relationship?  Ask for a specific amount of time to think about it and make a plan to talk further…and then come with your questions and concerns.  Try to understand the emotional need behind the request.  Maybe they need to feel needed.  Maybe they need to let go and have someone else be in control.  Maybe they are struggling with feeling guilty about something and need a physical release from that.  Maybe they are feeling disconnected from you and trying to reconnect.  Maybe they simply find joy and fulfilment in knowing that they can make your body physically desire their body as much as they desire yours.  Maybe they want to know that they can make you feel sexy and desirable, even when you doubt that is possible. And maybe they are just horny and wanting to try something new.  But the thing is, if you just assume they are a perverted, sex addicted jerk, you will never know.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to give something a try.  I’m not saying jump into the deep end of the pool and let him whip you and flog you while tied down spread eagle on the bed before penetrating your ass for the first time.  Hell no.  And if that is what he is proposing right off the bat, then by all means, you are justified in running for the door like a crazed clown with a knife is chasing you.  If there is one thing I have learned in my short and limited experience is that those scenes are pretty much only done by professional actors, in a very controlled setting, with people who are very knowledgeable about how to do that without getting hurt, and require an incredible about of trust that all of that is in place.  But if he is asking to use some sort of soft cloth to gently tie you hands to the headboard so he can explore your body and take his time, sit back and enjoy the ride.  If he wants to try a new position, see if it works for you.  If you’re home alone, try someplace that isn’t your bedroom.  Get a really gentle pair of nipple clamps and try them out.  Be open minded….and be vocal.  If he is wanting to try this out for the right reasons, he will deeply appreciate it, listen, and adjust trying to find what works best for you.

Now a word to my kinky explorers:

Don’t shove your partner into the deep end right off the bat.  You want to explore a D/s dynamic?  Try a short and simple scene first.  Try little things first.  You want to explore things such as spanking, try being playful and light about it at first.  Need them to dominate you, suggest little ways.  Encourage them to explore.  Set up a simple scenario for them and then positively encourage whatever little things they do which you enjoy.  Don’t just assume they have no interest based off of one conversation.  Ask them what makes them nervous or scared or repulsed by the thought of getting kinky.  Listen to for the emotions behind it.  Don’t just tell them they shouldn’t think a certain way because it doesn’t match up with how you are thinking, but work to figure out where that way of thinking came from.

Reassure them, a million times a day, that you love them, care about them, cherish them, see them as more than an object for sexual gratification, that you simply want to see if something could help you better express all of that in an intimately physical sense.  Assure them your relationship is based on so much more than sex (and if that is what is based on, then you need to do some work to build a stronger foundation).  Listen and change paths when they say something isn’t working when you are exploring.

And, since my experience has mostly been with guys, get your act together and figure out your emotions and wants behind the interests.  Explain yourself.  Explain your heart behind it.  Use. Your. Words.  Dammit.  “I just think it looks like fun.”  “I just want to.”  “I don’t know, just because, why not?”  These are NOT acceptable reasons to give your wife when proposing something new.  Get in touch with your fucking emotions and then let your wife into that part of you.  Allow this to be a way which gives her a way to see into the deepest part of your heart and soul….because that is pretty much what most women want so much more than sex.  But if sex is the way to get there, they will allow it to be the path their partner takes.

One last thing for my kinky friends – Know that fantasy and reality will always be different.  Don’t let the fantasy destroy your appreciation for what you can have in real life.  You want to do the super extreme stuff, go get hired and trained by the professionals.  Develop an awareness of how much planning goes into those scenes and gain an appreciation for the risks involved.  In my opinion, its pretty much the only way to responsibly even consider pursuing that with a partner.

Overall, I value marriage. In a perfect world, married guys would only be contacting me to say – I like your blog.  You’re a great writer.   I have this single friend I think you should meet.  But the world isn’t perfect and so I have married guys who are wondering if they can share their fantasy life with me.  And it frustrates me because I don’t necessarily enjoy being single into my late 30’s.  I would much rather have the chance to be trying to work this out in a real life relationship with a future to it.  My Lord is it hard to be supportive when others are sharing the problems they are having with their sex life with you and you don’t have one yourself.

So please all you married people out there – fucking TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.  Work it out.  Make sure there isn’t anything medically going on which is getting in your way.  Get a 3rd party to help you learn to really talk and listen to each other.  Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.  Try something new with an open mind.  Enjoy and celebrate the ways you can be adventurous and kinky in real life and write a story or two to work out the fantasy extremes.

And then come back to those of us who are single and looking, wishing, wanting, and introduce us to some of your single friends.

**This rant has been brought to you by me.  And know I return you to your regularly scheduled programming: 30 days of kink”