Dating Sucks

I’ll just say it.  No, I need to say it.  Dating after the age of 25 sucks.  Dating when you are nearly 40, sucks even more.

I had no idea I was this emotional.  Like most days I find myself on the verge of actual tears.  Why?

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While, to the best of my knowledge, I have not been on a date with a married man, I pretty much 100% concur with Meredith Gray.   Men – and their stupid penises.

So clearly the dating game has not been my favorite game this past year.  I met a great guy, we clicked in the way movies are made about and novels are written about.  I don’t click easily with people.  With him I clicked so easily.  And then his crazy ex started hauling back into court multiple times a month to sue for more child support, less visitation, more alimony….whatever she could think of.  And his life was consumed by it.  And before you know it, he’s moved to a new town in a new state and I’m not even on the radar to tell about it.

Then I meet the guy that’s the perfect match on paper.  We are both intellectuals.  We are both single, never married.  We both love teaching (different things, but still).  We share very similar political and religious beliefs.  Check that box.  Cross of the next item on the list.  We are having fun together.  We are emailing pretty much every day (long, involved emails).  And then he doesn’t have time, he needs to focus on the projects he has undertaken at home.  I call him on his shit.  He’s breaking up with me and just doesn’t want to say it.  At least he admitted he was being a less than ideal human for doing it over email after saying he was making plans for us to spend time together that weekend.  What a way to ring in 2018.  Ugh.

Some time goes by and I’ve started up a pleasant online chat with a more local guy.  He seems a good balance between the two previous guys.  We share our faith but he also enjoys being a bit more flirty and fun with his conversation.  He makes me smile and laugh.  But then he gets into a car accident.  He wants to get healed up before we meet.  OK.  I get that.  Good first impression and all.  We keep talking.  We keep having fun.  But he stops answering the serious questions and only acknowledges the flirty ones.  And when I call him on it, when I tell him that I’m not interested in being free, interactive online porn for him….crickets.  Fucking nothing.

I hate dating.  I hate it so much right now.  Whoever said this was fun should be locked away.  It’s ambiguity and angst.  It’s overthinking and overanalyzing.  It’s trying to be yourself while also trying to impress another person.  It’s being forced to be hyper aware of every single, tiny, miniscule little flaw in your personality, habits, and life.  It’s desperately wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are and being reminded again and again that who you are, isn’t good enough.  It’s getting your hopes up just in time to have them smashed into bits and pieces again.

Good, if teenagers are trying to figure all of this out, no wonder they act so damn insane all the time.  I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m supposed to be mature and responsible and able to handle all this shit.

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What’s the Appeal?

I’ve been trying to figure out something for awhile now.  Why the appeal of bondage?  Specifically, why does bondage which flows more towards mummification hold some appeal to me?

It wasn’t all that long ago I had a bad case of sub drop.  And since then, I’ve felt a little shaky in general.  Not still dropping but not 100% back to my old self either.  It finally dawned on me a week ago that usually when I’m feeling this way, my thyroid is out of whack and my meds need to be adjusted (seriously, thyroid disease can really suck!) so I’ve made an appointment.  But in processing and waiting for that appointment and blood work, something else has also occurred to me.

I’ve discovered that I love being held.  Especially when things seem a bit overwhelming.  Or at the very least, I need to hold on tightly to something, or someone.  I need to feel anchored.  I need to feel like I won’t literally fall apart.  A few months ago I was with the guy I’ve been exploring with.  We are doing the semi long distance thing so I’m always wanting to make the most of the time we have together.  So, for me, that means not getting overly emotional when I’m with him.  But this one time, it was just too much and as I lay curled up next to him, I just started crying.

He was great.  He just held me tighter until I could answer his softly spoken question, “What’s wrong?”   We talked.  We put the sexy times on hold.  I felt calmer, less overwhelmed, less crazy.  And big part of that was that he didn’t let go of me the entire time.

I think that’s part of why bondage appeals to me.  I look at the images of girls being tightly bound, tightly wrapped and I can’t help but think how much I wish I could feel tightly held in anything at all when my emotions threaten to get the better of me.  For that feeling reminds me that I am here, I am real, I am solid, I’m not breaking into the millions of pieces it feels like I’m breaking into…..and in that reminder, I feel safe to let go and express what I keep too often bottled up inside.

I Get It Now

I have to admit, for years I have always looked down a bit on those “give in” and have sex before marriage.  ‘Just control yourself.  You aren’t animals,’ I would think to myself.  Then again, its easy to preach self control when your sexual experience amounts to a handful of first dates, a couple of obligatory pecks on the cheek, and personal time with the internet, fingers and a vibrator.

But I’ve met someone and we are venturing into the world of real life, semi-long distance relationships.  I was recently able to be with him for an all too short weekend.  It was wonderful.  Better than I could have imagined it being.  And oh so tempting to just throw caution, safety, conversation, and common sense out the window.  Even now, I’m thinking that if he were to walk through my door I would waste very little time before getting naked.  For today I feel an urgency in my want to be with him once again.

And so today I have to admit that I get it now.  I get how easy it can be to get swept away in a moment and the work required for at least one person to keep a clear head and stay thinking while we are together.  And today, I must apologize and beg forgiveness of all those who I was less than gracious with then the moment got the best of them.

 

When to Let Go

**This was written a couple of months ago, but I find myself once again asking such a question and so I’m going to go ahead and post it.**

My real life, for a number of reasons both temporary and more long term, doesn’t really allow me to explore my kink beyond online interactions.  They have their limitations but they also have their benefits and I know without them, there is a lot about myself I would never have learned.

But I think the hardest part about them is finding that sense of closure when it might be time to end them.  You see, in the online world, it is easy to let that message go unanswered because you don’t see that person in the real world.  If you aren’t feeling it anymore, you can just stop communicating and drift away.  Your partner isn’t sharing your bed each night.  You don’t run the risk of seeing them at the local grocery store.  Hell, you may or may not even know what they truly look like depending on your levels of honesty and openness with photo sharing.

Real life is different.  Perhaps your partner is right there so if something doesn’t seem right, you have to eventually work it out or face a long, drawn out, uncomfortable living situation.  Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who is married to your kinky partner – all the more reason to make things work.  Maybe you just live in the same area so you meet up on a regular basis – you still run the risk of bumping into each other at the store, seeing each other from a distance at the local park.  Your partner knows where you live and so can come over the confront you when you try to just ignore them until they go away.

Even if real life gets super busy and you can’t work the kink in, or meet up for the kink, you are there to be part of the chaos, or at least witness it first hand.  You can get a feel for how long it might last.  You can steal those short, fleeting moments.  Especially for those of you lucky enough to be married/living together, you can still have their physical presence there, reminding you that they are real and this isn’t all in your imagination.

Online doesn’t have that same accountability.  And honestly, I think it is one of the hardest things about doing this online.  I have been fortunate in stumbling into an online relationship.  He has been good about taking a step back and giving me space to breath when it becomes overwhelming.  He has been great about  including aftercare with a scene and being sure I followed up the day after, pushing me to put my emotions into words for him (something which is not an easy task for me to do).  Strict, pushing me… and yet never seeming to forget that there is still a real person on the other end reading his messages.

I’m not naive.  I know that in real life there would be some HUGE obstacles to an ongoing relationship.  There is a significant age gap as well as a significant difference in some key personal beliefs.  While our kinks match up well, and I have no doubt the sex would be great and great fun, I have a very hard time seeing how life beyond that would really work for us.  But that was something to deal with in the future.  I figured something would happen in one of our lives which would be communicated for a clean break to be made before the opportunity for real life ever arose.  One of us would find someone in real life, one of us would want more than the other could offer, something.  I anticipated that we would formally say good bye via our online communications.

But then his life was suddenly plunged into chaos.  A chaos I know is happening but really know nothing about beyond that.  I have no idea how intense the chaos is, nor how long it might last.  But I do know that I have gone from hearing at least something from him nearly daily to going nearly 2 weeks without a single word.  Not even hello.

Add to this, some rather unfortunate timing where, after our last scene (or session if you prefer), which was rather intense and unexpectedly emotional for me, I found myself in what I am presuming, from the reading and research I have done, to be a bad case of subdrop.  I was tired and weepy for several days and it wasn’t helped by some random things going on in my life that particular week.  And I found myself being the needy girl I have been taught to chase away.  I felt like Icarus.  I had flown too close to the sun, my wings had fallen away, and I had crashed to earth.  Hard.  With no one to catch me or help me recover from the fall.

But I knew he had some stuff in his life fast approaching which would make him largely unavailable.  So I forced myself to make some plans with friends.  I forced myself to skype with some friends and family back home.  I forced myself to go out on some long walks.  I forced myself to journal and release it out onto the paper.  I treated myself well.  I gave him the time I knew he needed.  I did what I could to support him during what I knew to be a hard couple of week on his end.  But I remained weepy and I finally did what I really hated to do – I told him that I needed him to at least check in and let me know he was there.  I admitted I was emotional.

I hated doing it.  Cried through most of the email.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  And he responded, initially, with some wonderful words.  And an apology that life had continued to prevent him from responding.  An assurance that he had a lot to say and was trying to make the time to say it.  And it was lovely.  But it was also several weeks ago now.  And in those weeks, one message to encourage me to have a good holiday.  Other than that – crickets.  radio silence.  nada.

I’ve let him know that I can’t keep messaging him without a response.  I’ve let him know that I won’t beg and plead for him to follow through on his promise.  I’ve let him know that I understand life is chaotic on his end but that my emotions can’t handle this ongoing silence with no idea of when an end may be in sight.  And yet my inbox continues just mocks me with its refusal to notify me of a new message from him.

So I’m left with letting go of a relationship I truly enjoyed and was learning so much about myself from.  I’m left not knowing his side of the relationship or story.  I’m left with blanks I can’t fill in when it comes to processing the experience because I thought I had plenty of time to ask the questions which would fill them in.  I’m left wondering what I did wrong, why there isn’t even 2 minutes in his day to say hello.  I’m left feeling like I’m not worth enough effort or energy to explain the time he needs to let life calm down on his end.  I’m left feeling a bit annoyed and even disgusted with myself that I care so much about having closure to it all.  I don’t need all the details.  Honestly, I don’t feel like we have reached the point where I have any right to expect them.  I just want to know how long the chaos just might last and if, when the dust settles, I will have found myself swept away in the storm or still standing.

And I’m left fearing that just as I let go, he will start messaging again and I will find myself feeling like an huge jerk for not waiting, for not being more patient and understanding.  I’ll find out his side of the story is way bigger than I could have imagined and I will have closed the door on something and someone wonderful.  I fear I will have ended whatever this is too soon and I’ll forever regret it.

I hate trying to figure out when to let go.

Thanks Y’all

While it is no surprise to me that the US wins in the most hits to this blog in its short life thus far, I would just like to say I’m always amazed and humbled when people from around the world happen upon my little corner of the web.  So just a short post to say I appreciate all you world-wide readers.

Also, a general apology for the random spelling and grammar mistakes.  Perhaps if my regular life didn’t require constant editing of every word I write, I might be more motivated to closely edit posts here.  But for now, this is for fun, to take a break from that more structured writing.  As such, I’ll just thank everyone, past, present and future, for being patient with the random mistakes and missed words.

Hope everyone is having a GREAT weekend!

Rant – Do Some Quality Research

Fair warning: Today’s post is going to venture more into the ranting side of life.  Inspired mostly by a blog post entitled: Do Christian Wives Have to Submit to Bondage and Sadomasochism Requests From Their Husbands?

Let’s just start by stating a few personal bias points which I will acknowledge come into play.  First, I am single and have never been married.  Second, I am a Christian who has some interesting in BDSM/kink.   Third, I have a master’s in Ministry and am just about to finish a second master’s in Scripture.  Fourth, one of my biggest pet peeves is when Scripture is taken out of context as it is primarily taken out of context by those who are abusive of the power they have been given but not earned.

So, shall we start the ranting?

First, let’s start with the ignorance the title of the post and the first few paragraphs reveal.  All of the author’s information is from wikipedia.  Zero effort has been made to understand that there is a very wide spectrum of activities covered by the four little letters of BDSM.  If you are going to write about anything and expect me to believe you to be any sort of authority, wikipedia will be the absolutely last source you quote to me.  You’ll use that only as a starting point, looking instead for at articles they have pulled their information from.  You will have talked with someone who has a lived experience and views it as positive as well as someone who views a lived experience negatively.  Also, it should be noted in the title as well as the introductory comments that the author interesting left out the Dominance/submission aspects of BDSM.  Interesting given those aspects actually, in many ways, line up with a lot of what is out there to help Christian women understand how to be a good submissive wife to their husband.

Second, given her lack of understanding of the wide range found within BDSM, there is no attempt to help the wife who has written in to request help to know what to do when her husband requests these activities.  I mean, let’s be honest for a moment and admit there is a lot of extreme stuff shown online under the title of BDSM.  But the reality of practising it for the large majority of it is much more mellow, tame, and realistic.  I’ll look at the images of a woman being whipped, or tightly bound, or subjected to a fucking machine and think to myself that those would be interesting activities to try but in the way most wonder what it would be like to skydive, or go bungee jumping off of a bridge, or visit Antarctica, or have high tea with the Queen of England.  The reality is that, if you do actually happen to experience one of these things, it is going to be a once in a lifetime experience.  I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that more communication around this subject has happened with this particular lady but I’m doubting it.

Third – Her initial response is to list a bunch of scripture as to why activities which involve pain and bruising aren’t godly.  Well then, I’m afraid there are a lot more activities which need to come off the list of acceptable, godly activities.  I mean think about anything and everything which causes you to feel pain or causes you to bruise.  As much as Scripture talks about heaven being a place of no more pain (side bar – does that mean I won’t stub my toe ever again once I’m in heaven?!), it also talks about there being a purpose to pain.  It teaches us.  It strengthens us.  And doing a little research into the reality of BDSM, the author would have learned that very little of the time in healthy, non-abusive BDSM relationships is pain inflicted just for the purpose of causing pain.  Instead a lot of it is about exploring that line between arousial and pain.  Or exploring the extremes between pain and pure bliss.

Fourth – Her advice focuses on confrontation, not communication.  And the last time I checked, it was communication which was a vital part of any healthy, loving relationship between two people, not confrontation.  And why are there twice as many steps to confront a wife who is not providing the sex you want versus 4 steps for confronting a husband who is not providing the sex you want.  I get that men and women are wired differently but seriously, that much so?  Where are the steps to help with effective communication?  Where is the guidance on fighting fair with your partner?  Where are the guidelines that will help him explain to her why he is interested in BDSM and her explain to him why a particular aspect doesn’t work for her?

Fifth – Sex, ultimately, is something wives should consent to doing for their husbands regardless of the enjoyment they may or may not find in it.  And people wonder why I’m not married.  I have enough on my to-do list, so sex which doesn’t offer an emotional connection, an increase in intimacy, which is simply an obligation I must fulfil as part of my wifely duties?  Thanks but no.  I can get that kind of sex by picking up a guy at a bar.  In marriage sex is supposed to be more than what you can get from a stranger.  Not to mention, this totally ignores the entire context of Ephesians 5.  While yes, vs. 22-24 talk about how wives are to submit to their husbands, vs. 25-33 focus on how the husband is to treat his wife.  He is to love her as Christ loved the Church – i.e. sacrificially, giving up his very life so that she may experience an abundance and fullness in her life.  He is treat her body as if it where his own – i.e. he shouldn’t be demanding that he be able to whip, spank, or bind her if he isn’t willing to let her do the same in return PLUS he should be seeking to be sure she experiences just as much physical pleasure as he does.

Sixth – Essentially, it all boils down the responsibility of the woman to make the sex life, if not great, then at least acceptable.  There is no call to men to educate themselves as to how to make sure their wife is experiencing pleasure when they have sex.  Wives are specifically encouraged to give “a great deal of respect and reference for your husband” but the reverse is omitted.

Last but not Least – Being that this article is posted by an exclusively Christian blogger, no where does the author address the issue of where the husband got his BDSM inspiration to start with.  I mean, after all, anything related to the BDSM world is considered porn by the conservative Christian community and yet no where are the men called to task on their obvious viewing of such sites.

It’s honestly crap like this that makes me want to scream and shake some common sense into my fellow Christians.  I do hope the couple the author is attempting help finds their way into counselling which, first and foremost, teaches them to talk to each other from a place of equal footing, love, and respect because clearly such help will not be offered by the blog’s author.

Sex and the Younger Generation

The 30 days of kink are done.  While it hasn’t helped with the story writing, it has helped me sort out some things in my head, so that’s good.  And the story writing needs to wait while I deal with a lot of life stuff in the next couple of weeks anyway.

But there have been a couple of posts from fellow bloggers in the last couple of days which have sparked some thoughts.  So I’m going to post those when I need  study break for the time being.

The first is a post entitled “The Depravity of Younger Generations.”  The basic question is why so many young women in particular expect/demand BDSM inspired/rough sex.  Sex to such and extreme that very, very few men would ever even ponder consenting to do, let alone enjoy doing, to another person in general, let alone someone they cared for.

And I get the frustration.  But I also get where the fantasy comes from, and what I want to talk a bit about.

The reality is that we live in a world where women’s worth i strongly attached to their physical appearance and sexuality.  We are told that is all men are thinking about is sex, that what they want is a girl who is willing to do anything in bed, that if we aren’t willing to live out a guy’s fantasy, he will just move onto the next girl who likely will act out that fantasy for him.  Additionally, there is a message out there that in order to keep a guy interested in being in a relationship in general, the only way to do that is through making sure he is sexually satisfied.

And all of these messages are shared at lightening speed in the last generation through the internet – especially with invention of web enabled phones which have the information available at any place, any time.  This access to information for the general public also makes it more and more available to younger and younger people.  Teens who are curious about sex.  Wanting to just know how it really works.  Trying to figure out if they are really ready for it or not.  And BDSM themes sights are easily available when searching for such information.

And heck, you don’t even need to be trying to figure out sex.  I came across my first BDSM site in searching for images for a worship service at my church.  The only “security” any of these sites generally have is to agree that you are an adult and legally allowed to view such images.  Additionally, you don’t need to go to specific porn sites.  Wordpress is an excellent example.  Thus, software which blocks the traditional porn addresses is not as effective for parents as they would like it to be.

So why are women, especially younger women, demanding the more and more extremes of kink?  Because more and more this is what they are seeing as “normal” when the search the internet for advice and answers.  It’s not complicated if you really stop to think about it for a moment.  But the solution is.  This didn’t happen overnight nor will find its way back to center overnight.

However, if you want to be part of the solution, start having real conversations about the balance between reality and fantasy.  Talk about how the real relationship actually makes the kink aspects more intense.  Educate yourself as to the beyond crazy sex stereotype  aspects and then educate those you run into who think that is what it is all about.  And a plea especially to the guys out there – when girls use the promise of crazy, kinky sex, prove yourself better than the stereotype of your gender and offer to buy them a cup of coffee and have a conversation with them, show them they are worth your time and attention even if they never, ever sleep with you.

30 Days – Day 24

Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Well, first and foremost, faith.  Doesn’t matter how much interest I have in kink, my faith is still important to me and it is something I really want to be able to share with any real life, long term partner.  And just the tiniest fraction of a step below that would that they are not currently married or in any other sort of serious relationship with someone else.  I won’t break up or be the secret between two committed people and, when it comes to intimate matters and things of the heart, I’m not inclined to share.

Let’s see….after that, he needs to have his shit together.  Have a real job.  Have a college degree.  Be paying your bills.  Be doing your own laundry.  Be able to talk about more than sports and video games.  If you have significant emotional baggage from your past, be dealing with it in a positive, constructive manner.  Take responsibility for your mistakes and your issues rather than blaming others for what you don’t like about your life.

Then it comes down to trust.  Is he someone who actively works to earn my trust and my respect?  If he believes himself to be entitled to it simply because he is (fill in the blank here with literally anything), then he simply isn’t interesting in really getting to know me.  I’m not wired to respect anyone simply because they have some title.  Do something worthy of respect and I will respect you.  If you are neutral in your actions in my life, you earn my respect but you also won’t be disrespected.  Disrespect me or those I care most about and I have will have zero time or patience for your presence in my life.  Same goes for trust.  Ultimately, I want to feel safe and protected by them – to know that they would do anything in their power to defend me from the things in this world which would cause me any sort of harm.  That scene in Beauty and the Beast where Belle is trying to run away and the wolves start attacking but the Beast jumps in and protects her, even though he is harmed in the process – that’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.  That he would want to jump in a protect me despite my belief that I can fight my own battles.  And then let me take care of any hurts he might have suffered on my behalf because I’m realising that while painful for him, they would have been fatal for me.

After all of that – we start talking about kink.  Because if all of that is there, the rest is just details.

Ranting – Dear Married Couples

Please excuse the interruption in your regularly scheduled blogging on the 30 days of kink for this random rant.  We will return to the regularly scheduled programming after this rant.

Dear Married People

Would you really just talk to each other?  Could you just really listen to more than the words your partner is saying and try to feel the emotion and desire behind them?  Do you have any idea how valuable this simple act would be in your relationship?

I haven’t been actually exploring and talking with people in the BDSM/kink scene for very long.  Just a few months actually.  But I have very quickly learned this: there are a lot of guys who really wish their partners would at least try and explore something on the kinky side of life.  There are a lot of them who are open and honest about being married and being on kink sites talking with other women, living out fantasies either online or, at times, in person.  But here’s the real kicker – they would much rather be doing that with their WIVES.

Now, I know, I’m only getting one side of the story.  Being a straight female, I’m getting the story from straight or bi males.  And I can fully accept that I’m not getting the full story.  I can fully accept that I might not be getting a shred of truth or honesty.  But I’m fairly straightforward in that a guy being in a real life committed relationship is pretty hard limit for me, that we can chat in a friendly manner but we likely won’t be exchanging much more, especially if what they are doing is a secret from their SO, thus, I’m fairly certain they aren’t lying about their relationship status to me.  And I’m fairly certain that, from their perspective, they are sharing a truthful view of the relationship.

So I want to put out a couple of pleas to the married people of the world.  First to the vanilla significant others (who I will be referring to as the wife because that is my experience):

Don’t just shut your guy down and label him a pervert if he wants to try something different when it comes to sex.  Ask questions.  Why do you want to try that?  How do you think that will enhance my sex life?  How much do you really know about said activity (especially important if it is something like bondage or spanking or something which has the potential to lead to physical harm)?  Tell more specifically what you are imagining (reading a story or seeing the image/video which inspired the thought are great things to ask for here).  Can I request a modification that I think will be a better idea for our particular relationship?  Ask for a specific amount of time to think about it and make a plan to talk further…and then come with your questions and concerns.  Try to understand the emotional need behind the request.  Maybe they need to feel needed.  Maybe they need to let go and have someone else be in control.  Maybe they are struggling with feeling guilty about something and need a physical release from that.  Maybe they are feeling disconnected from you and trying to reconnect.  Maybe they simply find joy and fulfilment in knowing that they can make your body physically desire their body as much as they desire yours.  Maybe they want to know that they can make you feel sexy and desirable, even when you doubt that is possible. And maybe they are just horny and wanting to try something new.  But the thing is, if you just assume they are a perverted, sex addicted jerk, you will never know.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to give something a try.  I’m not saying jump into the deep end of the pool and let him whip you and flog you while tied down spread eagle on the bed before penetrating your ass for the first time.  Hell no.  And if that is what he is proposing right off the bat, then by all means, you are justified in running for the door like a crazed clown with a knife is chasing you.  If there is one thing I have learned in my short and limited experience is that those scenes are pretty much only done by professional actors, in a very controlled setting, with people who are very knowledgeable about how to do that without getting hurt, and require an incredible about of trust that all of that is in place.  But if he is asking to use some sort of soft cloth to gently tie you hands to the headboard so he can explore your body and take his time, sit back and enjoy the ride.  If he wants to try a new position, see if it works for you.  If you’re home alone, try someplace that isn’t your bedroom.  Get a really gentle pair of nipple clamps and try them out.  Be open minded….and be vocal.  If he is wanting to try this out for the right reasons, he will deeply appreciate it, listen, and adjust trying to find what works best for you.

Now a word to my kinky explorers:

Don’t shove your partner into the deep end right off the bat.  You want to explore a D/s dynamic?  Try a short and simple scene first.  Try little things first.  You want to explore things such as spanking, try being playful and light about it at first.  Need them to dominate you, suggest little ways.  Encourage them to explore.  Set up a simple scenario for them and then positively encourage whatever little things they do which you enjoy.  Don’t just assume they have no interest based off of one conversation.  Ask them what makes them nervous or scared or repulsed by the thought of getting kinky.  Listen to for the emotions behind it.  Don’t just tell them they shouldn’t think a certain way because it doesn’t match up with how you are thinking, but work to figure out where that way of thinking came from.

Reassure them, a million times a day, that you love them, care about them, cherish them, see them as more than an object for sexual gratification, that you simply want to see if something could help you better express all of that in an intimately physical sense.  Assure them your relationship is based on so much more than sex (and if that is what is based on, then you need to do some work to build a stronger foundation).  Listen and change paths when they say something isn’t working when you are exploring.

And, since my experience has mostly been with guys, get your act together and figure out your emotions and wants behind the interests.  Explain yourself.  Explain your heart behind it.  Use. Your. Words.  Dammit.  “I just think it looks like fun.”  “I just want to.”  “I don’t know, just because, why not?”  These are NOT acceptable reasons to give your wife when proposing something new.  Get in touch with your fucking emotions and then let your wife into that part of you.  Allow this to be a way which gives her a way to see into the deepest part of your heart and soul….because that is pretty much what most women want so much more than sex.  But if sex is the way to get there, they will allow it to be the path their partner takes.

One last thing for my kinky friends – Know that fantasy and reality will always be different.  Don’t let the fantasy destroy your appreciation for what you can have in real life.  You want to do the super extreme stuff, go get hired and trained by the professionals.  Develop an awareness of how much planning goes into those scenes and gain an appreciation for the risks involved.  In my opinion, its pretty much the only way to responsibly even consider pursuing that with a partner.

Overall, I value marriage. In a perfect world, married guys would only be contacting me to say – I like your blog.  You’re a great writer.   I have this single friend I think you should meet.  But the world isn’t perfect and so I have married guys who are wondering if they can share their fantasy life with me.  And it frustrates me because I don’t necessarily enjoy being single into my late 30’s.  I would much rather have the chance to be trying to work this out in a real life relationship with a future to it.  My Lord is it hard to be supportive when others are sharing the problems they are having with their sex life with you and you don’t have one yourself.

So please all you married people out there – fucking TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.  Work it out.  Make sure there isn’t anything medically going on which is getting in your way.  Get a 3rd party to help you learn to really talk and listen to each other.  Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.  Try something new with an open mind.  Enjoy and celebrate the ways you can be adventurous and kinky in real life and write a story or two to work out the fantasy extremes.

And then come back to those of us who are single and looking, wishing, wanting, and introduce us to some of your single friends.

**This rant has been brought to you by me.  And know I return you to your regularly scheduled programming: 30 days of kink”