Please excuse the interruption in your regularly scheduled blogging on the 30 days of kink for this random rant. We will return to the regularly scheduled programming after this rant.
Dear Married People
Would you really just talk to each other? Could you just really listen to more than the words your partner is saying and try to feel the emotion and desire behind them? Do you have any idea how valuable this simple act would be in your relationship?
I haven’t been actually exploring and talking with people in the BDSM/kink scene for very long. Just a few months actually. But I have very quickly learned this: there are a lot of guys who really wish their partners would at least try and explore something on the kinky side of life. There are a lot of them who are open and honest about being married and being on kink sites talking with other women, living out fantasies either online or, at times, in person. But here’s the real kicker – they would much rather be doing that with their WIVES.
Now, I know, I’m only getting one side of the story. Being a straight female, I’m getting the story from straight or bi males. And I can fully accept that I’m not getting the full story. I can fully accept that I might not be getting a shred of truth or honesty. But I’m fairly straightforward in that a guy being in a real life committed relationship is pretty hard limit for me, that we can chat in a friendly manner but we likely won’t be exchanging much more, especially if what they are doing is a secret from their SO, thus, I’m fairly certain they aren’t lying about their relationship status to me. And I’m fairly certain that, from their perspective, they are sharing a truthful view of the relationship.
So I want to put out a couple of pleas to the married people of the world. First to the vanilla significant others (who I will be referring to as the wife because that is my experience):
Don’t just shut your guy down and label him a pervert if he wants to try something different when it comes to sex. Ask questions. Why do you want to try that? How do you think that will enhance my sex life? How much do you really know about said activity (especially important if it is something like bondage or spanking or something which has the potential to lead to physical harm)? Tell more specifically what you are imagining (reading a story or seeing the image/video which inspired the thought are great things to ask for here). Can I request a modification that I think will be a better idea for our particular relationship? Ask for a specific amount of time to think about it and make a plan to talk further…and then come with your questions and concerns. Try to understand the emotional need behind the request. Maybe they need to feel needed. Maybe they need to let go and have someone else be in control. Maybe they are struggling with feeling guilty about something and need a physical release from that. Maybe they are feeling disconnected from you and trying to reconnect. Maybe they simply find joy and fulfilment in knowing that they can make your body physically desire their body as much as they desire yours. Maybe they want to know that they can make you feel sexy and desirable, even when you doubt that is possible. And maybe they are just horny and wanting to try something new. But the thing is, if you just assume they are a perverted, sex addicted jerk, you will never know.
And ladies, don’t be afraid to give something a try. I’m not saying jump into the deep end of the pool and let him whip you and flog you while tied down spread eagle on the bed before penetrating your ass for the first time. Hell no. And if that is what he is proposing right off the bat, then by all means, you are justified in running for the door like a crazed clown with a knife is chasing you. If there is one thing I have learned in my short and limited experience is that those scenes are pretty much only done by professional actors, in a very controlled setting, with people who are very knowledgeable about how to do that without getting hurt, and require an incredible about of trust that all of that is in place. But if he is asking to use some sort of soft cloth to gently tie you hands to the headboard so he can explore your body and take his time, sit back and enjoy the ride. If he wants to try a new position, see if it works for you. If you’re home alone, try someplace that isn’t your bedroom. Get a really gentle pair of nipple clamps and try them out. Be open minded….and be vocal. If he is wanting to try this out for the right reasons, he will deeply appreciate it, listen, and adjust trying to find what works best for you.
Now a word to my kinky explorers:
Don’t shove your partner into the deep end right off the bat. You want to explore a D/s dynamic? Try a short and simple scene first. Try little things first. You want to explore things such as spanking, try being playful and light about it at first. Need them to dominate you, suggest little ways. Encourage them to explore. Set up a simple scenario for them and then positively encourage whatever little things they do which you enjoy. Don’t just assume they have no interest based off of one conversation. Ask them what makes them nervous or scared or repulsed by the thought of getting kinky. Listen to for the emotions behind it. Don’t just tell them they shouldn’t think a certain way because it doesn’t match up with how you are thinking, but work to figure out where that way of thinking came from.
Reassure them, a million times a day, that you love them, care about them, cherish them, see them as more than an object for sexual gratification, that you simply want to see if something could help you better express all of that in an intimately physical sense. Assure them your relationship is based on so much more than sex (and if that is what is based on, then you need to do some work to build a stronger foundation). Listen and change paths when they say something isn’t working when you are exploring.
And, since my experience has mostly been with guys, get your act together and figure out your emotions and wants behind the interests. Explain yourself. Explain your heart behind it. Use. Your. Words. Dammit. “I just think it looks like fun.” “I just want to.” “I don’t know, just because, why not?” These are NOT acceptable reasons to give your wife when proposing something new. Get in touch with your fucking emotions and then let your wife into that part of you. Allow this to be a way which gives her a way to see into the deepest part of your heart and soul….because that is pretty much what most women want so much more than sex. But if sex is the way to get there, they will allow it to be the path their partner takes.
One last thing for my kinky friends – Know that fantasy and reality will always be different. Don’t let the fantasy destroy your appreciation for what you can have in real life. You want to do the super extreme stuff, go get hired and trained by the professionals. Develop an awareness of how much planning goes into those scenes and gain an appreciation for the risks involved. In my opinion, its pretty much the only way to responsibly even consider pursuing that with a partner.
Overall, I value marriage. In a perfect world, married guys would only be contacting me to say – I like your blog. You’re a great writer. I have this single friend I think you should meet. But the world isn’t perfect and so I have married guys who are wondering if they can share their fantasy life with me. And it frustrates me because I don’t necessarily enjoy being single into my late 30’s. I would much rather have the chance to be trying to work this out in a real life relationship with a future to it. My Lord is it hard to be supportive when others are sharing the problems they are having with their sex life with you and you don’t have one yourself.
So please all you married people out there – fucking TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Work it out. Make sure there isn’t anything medically going on which is getting in your way. Get a 3rd party to help you learn to really talk and listen to each other. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Try something new with an open mind. Enjoy and celebrate the ways you can be adventurous and kinky in real life and write a story or two to work out the fantasy extremes.
And then come back to those of us who are single and looking, wishing, wanting, and introduce us to some of your single friends.
**This rant has been brought to you by me. And know I return you to your regularly scheduled programming: 30 days of kink”