30 Days – Day 30!

Day 30

Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I recently came across this amazing blog entry where a sub, instead of acting out and misbehaving to get a spanking, honestly and straightforwardly asked her Dom to “make her cry” so that she could have the emotional release she was really looking for rather than a punishment for misbehaving.  I totally understand her point of view.  There are times when I know I would feel so much better if I could just let go and have a good hard cry but I wasn’t raised to see that as an acceptable emotional outlet so it stays in, usually until I can’t take it anymore and watch an emotional movie so I feel like I have a reason to at least cry a little.  Sometimes you really do need to just let it out and it isn’t always easy to let go and embrace whatever it is that is putting you in that place.  That is a big part of the pain/punishment/spanking side of BDSM that I’m curious and fascinated by.

But even more so, the story of the aftercare the Dom provided is beautiful.  It’s what nearly made me cry reading it.  From the sounds of it, he needs to be teaching other Doms how to really care for their subs and make sure they know they are cherished and not taken for granted.

Take the time to go and read the story by clicking HERE.  I promise, it will be worth it.

 

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30 Days – Day 29

Day 29

Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

**Just a wee reminder – No real life experience, new to this, have some online experience.**

I’ve been given, for lack of a better term, a nick name based on some messages we’ve shared and I tend to call him Sir when we are actively playing.  For me, they are a way of indicating when real, normal, vanilla, daily life needs to be addressed or when, in a scene, I need to get his attention by using our regular names but I don’t want to halt everything by using a safe word.

They are also a way of limited the awkwardness I feel in trying to be flirty and/or, especially given that we are strictly online, and want to talk a little less about the real world and a little more about sexy stuff.  I can sign my email to him with the nickname, or vice versa, and indicate that I’m good with a change in the tone of the messages.

30 Days – Days 27 and 28

As the questions for the next two days will find themselves with relatively brief answers, I’m combing them into one post.

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities?

Beyond writing/blogging/journaling, not really.  At least, not at this point.  I will talk a little bit about my real life because I appreciate connecting with people as people, not as objects to have sexy talk with.   And ultimately, I would love to connect with someone who can be part of my entire life, not just section of it.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

I don’t have anything special.  At this point, attire doesn’t really have much significance for me.  Well, with the exception that panties usually don’t stay on for too long….even given that my play has all been through online interactions.

30 Days – Day 26

Day 26

What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Just like any relationship, I think BDSM is better in person.  Especially when it comes to aftercare…for both parties.  If you are truly engaging, following the directions of your Dom during a scene, it can be intense.  But if you aren’t doing a cam session, as a sub you have to keep your focus enough to type back what it going on and as a Dom, you have to rely completely on what you get back over the screen.  If something doesn’t go well, the Dom has to work through that without being able to physically take care of their partner….the the sub has to ultimately take care of themselves.

But for many of us, online play is the only way we have to connect and explore.  Maybe just in general we are too shy or timid to explore in real life yet.  Maybe we have to be extremely careful in regards to maintaining our privacy.  There are many reasons, some of them good and some of them not, but they are real and so online play is the way we have to explore, to discover something about ourselves, to find like-minded individuals.  So I think that online play is totally valid, but the limitations of it have to be acknowledged by both parties.  Something that would be safe for a sub in real life play because the Dom is there to watch over them could be life threatening for them in real life.  As a sub, you can’t disappear fully into subspace during the scene because you have to be aware of what is going on in the scene, you can’t leave the responsibility completely to your Dom.

So yes for online BDSM, but just like real life play, keep it smart and safe.

 

30 Days – Day 25

Day 25

How open are you about your kinks?

It all depends on the context.  In my daily life, there isn’t really a safe place for me to talk about them so I don’t.  Maybe someday if I have a real life partner but that’s pretty much the only way in real life I’ll be sharing.

Now if we have connected through this blog or my profile on Literotica…then I’m generally fairly open.  Then again, I don’t share my real name, I rarely share photos, I’m careful to stay vague about personal details (especially ones which could pinpoint a location)….in short, I keep my kinky self as separate from my “real world” self as possible so if they should happen to cross over, I’m fully in control of that exchange.  I simply have to be.  It’s the world I live in.

But I think the bigger question is how OK I am with that reality.  And for the record, I’m pretty OK with it.  Why?  Because in real life I’m a rather private person.  I won’t ever be one to share or be shared sexually.  I won’t ever be one to recount the dirty details of a real life experience.  Kink, while challenging me to talk more about fantasy and wish lists, hasn’t change the fact that real life encounters are something which I would expect to be 99.9% private and personal between me and my partner.  (Although I do have to say thanks and admit a bit of admiration to those who can be/are willing to be more open online, I appreciate it and learn a lot from it….it just isn’t something I’m comfortable doing/having out there).

 

30 Days – Day 24

Day 24

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Well, first and foremost, faith.  Doesn’t matter how much interest I have in kink, my faith is still important to me and it is something I really want to be able to share with any real life, long term partner.  And just the tiniest fraction of a step below that would that they are not currently married or in any other sort of serious relationship with someone else.  I won’t break up or be the secret between two committed people and, when it comes to intimate matters and things of the heart, I’m not inclined to share.

Let’s see….after that, he needs to have his shit together.  Have a real job.  Have a college degree.  Be paying your bills.  Be doing your own laundry.  Be able to talk about more than sports and video games.  If you have significant emotional baggage from your past, be dealing with it in a positive, constructive manner.  Take responsibility for your mistakes and your issues rather than blaming others for what you don’t like about your life.

Then it comes down to trust.  Is he someone who actively works to earn my trust and my respect?  If he believes himself to be entitled to it simply because he is (fill in the blank here with literally anything), then he simply isn’t interesting in really getting to know me.  I’m not wired to respect anyone simply because they have some title.  Do something worthy of respect and I will respect you.  If you are neutral in your actions in my life, you earn my respect but you also won’t be disrespected.  Disrespect me or those I care most about and I have will have zero time or patience for your presence in my life.  Same goes for trust.  Ultimately, I want to feel safe and protected by them – to know that they would do anything in their power to defend me from the things in this world which would cause me any sort of harm.  That scene in Beauty and the Beast where Belle is trying to run away and the wolves start attacking but the Beast jumps in and protects her, even though he is harmed in the process – that’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.  That he would want to jump in a protect me despite my belief that I can fight my own battles.  And then let me take care of any hurts he might have suffered on my behalf because I’m realising that while painful for him, they would have been fatal for me.

After all of that – we start talking about kink.  Because if all of that is there, the rest is just details.

30 Days – Day 23

Day 23

Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

I think a big thing is gaining an appreciation for how many sane people there are who are just trying to figure out what part of the scene works for them.  They just want to explore and see how different aspects might help them understand themselves, or their relationship with their partner, better.

Interests?  Less interested in the extreme aspects I know that are beyond realistic, even in stories, and more interested in how it affects the dynamics of real relationships and the process of self-discovery.

Ranting – Dear Married Couples

Please excuse the interruption in your regularly scheduled blogging on the 30 days of kink for this random rant.  We will return to the regularly scheduled programming after this rant.

Dear Married People

Would you really just talk to each other?  Could you just really listen to more than the words your partner is saying and try to feel the emotion and desire behind them?  Do you have any idea how valuable this simple act would be in your relationship?

I haven’t been actually exploring and talking with people in the BDSM/kink scene for very long.  Just a few months actually.  But I have very quickly learned this: there are a lot of guys who really wish their partners would at least try and explore something on the kinky side of life.  There are a lot of them who are open and honest about being married and being on kink sites talking with other women, living out fantasies either online or, at times, in person.  But here’s the real kicker – they would much rather be doing that with their WIVES.

Now, I know, I’m only getting one side of the story.  Being a straight female, I’m getting the story from straight or bi males.  And I can fully accept that I’m not getting the full story.  I can fully accept that I might not be getting a shred of truth or honesty.  But I’m fairly straightforward in that a guy being in a real life committed relationship is pretty hard limit for me, that we can chat in a friendly manner but we likely won’t be exchanging much more, especially if what they are doing is a secret from their SO, thus, I’m fairly certain they aren’t lying about their relationship status to me.  And I’m fairly certain that, from their perspective, they are sharing a truthful view of the relationship.

So I want to put out a couple of pleas to the married people of the world.  First to the vanilla significant others (who I will be referring to as the wife because that is my experience):

Don’t just shut your guy down and label him a pervert if he wants to try something different when it comes to sex.  Ask questions.  Why do you want to try that?  How do you think that will enhance my sex life?  How much do you really know about said activity (especially important if it is something like bondage or spanking or something which has the potential to lead to physical harm)?  Tell more specifically what you are imagining (reading a story or seeing the image/video which inspired the thought are great things to ask for here).  Can I request a modification that I think will be a better idea for our particular relationship?  Ask for a specific amount of time to think about it and make a plan to talk further…and then come with your questions and concerns.  Try to understand the emotional need behind the request.  Maybe they need to feel needed.  Maybe they need to let go and have someone else be in control.  Maybe they are struggling with feeling guilty about something and need a physical release from that.  Maybe they are feeling disconnected from you and trying to reconnect.  Maybe they simply find joy and fulfilment in knowing that they can make your body physically desire their body as much as they desire yours.  Maybe they want to know that they can make you feel sexy and desirable, even when you doubt that is possible. And maybe they are just horny and wanting to try something new.  But the thing is, if you just assume they are a perverted, sex addicted jerk, you will never know.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to give something a try.  I’m not saying jump into the deep end of the pool and let him whip you and flog you while tied down spread eagle on the bed before penetrating your ass for the first time.  Hell no.  And if that is what he is proposing right off the bat, then by all means, you are justified in running for the door like a crazed clown with a knife is chasing you.  If there is one thing I have learned in my short and limited experience is that those scenes are pretty much only done by professional actors, in a very controlled setting, with people who are very knowledgeable about how to do that without getting hurt, and require an incredible about of trust that all of that is in place.  But if he is asking to use some sort of soft cloth to gently tie you hands to the headboard so he can explore your body and take his time, sit back and enjoy the ride.  If he wants to try a new position, see if it works for you.  If you’re home alone, try someplace that isn’t your bedroom.  Get a really gentle pair of nipple clamps and try them out.  Be open minded….and be vocal.  If he is wanting to try this out for the right reasons, he will deeply appreciate it, listen, and adjust trying to find what works best for you.

Now a word to my kinky explorers:

Don’t shove your partner into the deep end right off the bat.  You want to explore a D/s dynamic?  Try a short and simple scene first.  Try little things first.  You want to explore things such as spanking, try being playful and light about it at first.  Need them to dominate you, suggest little ways.  Encourage them to explore.  Set up a simple scenario for them and then positively encourage whatever little things they do which you enjoy.  Don’t just assume they have no interest based off of one conversation.  Ask them what makes them nervous or scared or repulsed by the thought of getting kinky.  Listen to for the emotions behind it.  Don’t just tell them they shouldn’t think a certain way because it doesn’t match up with how you are thinking, but work to figure out where that way of thinking came from.

Reassure them, a million times a day, that you love them, care about them, cherish them, see them as more than an object for sexual gratification, that you simply want to see if something could help you better express all of that in an intimately physical sense.  Assure them your relationship is based on so much more than sex (and if that is what is based on, then you need to do some work to build a stronger foundation).  Listen and change paths when they say something isn’t working when you are exploring.

And, since my experience has mostly been with guys, get your act together and figure out your emotions and wants behind the interests.  Explain yourself.  Explain your heart behind it.  Use. Your. Words.  Dammit.  “I just think it looks like fun.”  “I just want to.”  “I don’t know, just because, why not?”  These are NOT acceptable reasons to give your wife when proposing something new.  Get in touch with your fucking emotions and then let your wife into that part of you.  Allow this to be a way which gives her a way to see into the deepest part of your heart and soul….because that is pretty much what most women want so much more than sex.  But if sex is the way to get there, they will allow it to be the path their partner takes.

One last thing for my kinky friends – Know that fantasy and reality will always be different.  Don’t let the fantasy destroy your appreciation for what you can have in real life.  You want to do the super extreme stuff, go get hired and trained by the professionals.  Develop an awareness of how much planning goes into those scenes and gain an appreciation for the risks involved.  In my opinion, its pretty much the only way to responsibly even consider pursuing that with a partner.

Overall, I value marriage. In a perfect world, married guys would only be contacting me to say – I like your blog.  You’re a great writer.   I have this single friend I think you should meet.  But the world isn’t perfect and so I have married guys who are wondering if they can share their fantasy life with me.  And it frustrates me because I don’t necessarily enjoy being single into my late 30’s.  I would much rather have the chance to be trying to work this out in a real life relationship with a future to it.  My Lord is it hard to be supportive when others are sharing the problems they are having with their sex life with you and you don’t have one yourself.

So please all you married people out there – fucking TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.  Work it out.  Make sure there isn’t anything medically going on which is getting in your way.  Get a 3rd party to help you learn to really talk and listen to each other.  Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.  Try something new with an open mind.  Enjoy and celebrate the ways you can be adventurous and kinky in real life and write a story or two to work out the fantasy extremes.

And then come back to those of us who are single and looking, wishing, wanting, and introduce us to some of your single friends.

**This rant has been brought to you by me.  And know I return you to your regularly scheduled programming: 30 days of kink”

30 Days – Day 22

Day 22

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

 

Communication and aftercare.  Which I don’t think is really all that different from vanilla relationships and honestly it seems to be more of a key to BDSM relationships which is something I think the kink world could teach the vanilla world.  I mean really, how often are vanilla couples talking about what they found pleasurable and erotic after having sex vs. how often kinky couple are talking?  And not just the physical mechanics of it, but the whys and feelings behind it.  Why did something work really well one time and not another?  Why is one activity a hard limit and another activity (and possibly a seemingly very similar activity) totally fine?  Why does one of you want to try a new activity?  There is often more intensity in a BDSM relationship, especially in regards to playing out a particular scene, and with that increased intensity needs to come increased communication along with care and concern for your partner.

And all of that leads back to something I know I at least touched on earlier in this project – you both have to be mentally and emotionally healthy so it can happen.  Important in all relationships, but even more so in BDSM relationships.  With the increased intensity comes the increased possibility of harm.  So if you even suspect that you, or your partner, are struggling with depression, eating disorders, self-harm (aka cutting), chemical addictions/dependency, anger control, or anything else you can think of, hit pause and go and talk to a professional.  And if the BDSM aspect is absolutely crucial to your success, find a kink-friendly one.

And additionally, the same goes for your physical health.  Know your physical limits.  For example, I have a thyroid disorder (in that I might as well not have a thyroid because it works so poorly).  This means that, especially in cold weather, I get cold really fast and it takes a long time for me to feel warm again.  And on the flip side, in the hot summer weather, I get flushed and sweaty really fast so I have to be careful I’m not dehydrated.  It also means that my body has trouble absorbing nutrients, a fact discovered after already living through 4 broken bones in my life.  So if anyone wanted to do any sort of bondage with stress positions, there would be some serious things to talk about…and high heels are forever out in my life as one of those broken bones was in my foot and that bone, while healed now, will never be strong enough again to handle that.  So if you suspect anything wrong in your physical health, get it checked out immediately.  There may be underlying conditions which will make something a big deal which for most people isn’t.

And just one last thing along the lines of medical health (because I can’t help myself) – If you can’t handle going to the doctor for a sex-related and/or a kink-related injury that needs attention, then you are NOT mature enough to be doing the activity which might make that a possibility.  This is one of my biggest issues with underage people getting involved with sex, and especially with kink.  They are terrified their parents will find out, are too embarrassed to talk to someone in real life about a physical medical issue, and so they troll the internet advice boards hoping they can fix it themselves.  Rarely does this work out in the long term.  I’ve worked with teens in both a profession and volunteer capacity.  I’m very clear with them that if you are not able to sit with an adult who is at least 10 years older than you (and not your partner) and have a mature conversation about what you are wanting to do/actually doing sexually, then you aren’t ready.  They don’t need details, that’s often creepy, but you should be able to tell your mom that you need to be on birth control, or ask your doctor if (fill in the blank here) is normal.

OK, jumping down from my soapbox here.

30 Days – Day 21

Day 21

Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I’ll just start off with saying this – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – You assume I have time to read anything that isn’t directly related to graduating from grad school – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – that’s so cute.  You just go off with your books and your e-readers and leave me and my philosophy/theology books in peace now, OK?

But on the more serious side – I haven’t read many books which have a BDSM theme to them.  Yes, I’ve read 50 Shades of Grey.  Over the course of the entire series, I did like that there was redemption for dear Mr. Christian Grey but I also thought it sent a very dangerous message to women that they have the power to change a controlling, abusive, manipulative partner through the power of their love.  In real life, such change cannot be relied upon to happen.  I fear that there are people (women especially) who are reading those books and getting into relationships with jerks who like to use BDSM simply as an excuse to be abusive towards women with the idea that their love will inspire them to change and become decent human beings who know how to honour and respect women. You have to be able to live with the person as they are now, not as you hope they will be in the future.  Thus, if he is an abusive jack-ass now, be ready to live with the reality that he will always be an abusive jack-ass.

I do have some faint memories of other books which I have read with some BDSM related content to them but none of them stand out enough to even warrant doing a title search to find them again.   And I’ll appreciate a story online but rarely be impressed enough to go back and read it again.  For me it isn’t the BDSM content which makes it memorable, it’s the story and relationship giving in context which is worthwhile.  And, sadly, that is a very underappreciated, under-developed part of the writing in the vast majority of erotic literature.