**This was written a couple of months ago, but I find myself once again asking such a question and so I’m going to go ahead and post it.**
My real life, for a number of reasons both temporary and more long term, doesn’t really allow me to explore my kink beyond online interactions. They have their limitations but they also have their benefits and I know without them, there is a lot about myself I would never have learned.
But I think the hardest part about them is finding that sense of closure when it might be time to end them. You see, in the online world, it is easy to let that message go unanswered because you don’t see that person in the real world. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, you can just stop communicating and drift away. Your partner isn’t sharing your bed each night. You don’t run the risk of seeing them at the local grocery store. Hell, you may or may not even know what they truly look like depending on your levels of honesty and openness with photo sharing.
Real life is different. Perhaps your partner is right there so if something doesn’t seem right, you have to eventually work it out or face a long, drawn out, uncomfortable living situation. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who is married to your kinky partner – all the more reason to make things work. Maybe you just live in the same area so you meet up on a regular basis – you still run the risk of bumping into each other at the store, seeing each other from a distance at the local park. Your partner knows where you live and so can come over the confront you when you try to just ignore them until they go away.
Even if real life gets super busy and you can’t work the kink in, or meet up for the kink, you are there to be part of the chaos, or at least witness it first hand. You can get a feel for how long it might last. You can steal those short, fleeting moments. Especially for those of you lucky enough to be married/living together, you can still have their physical presence there, reminding you that they are real and this isn’t all in your imagination.
Online doesn’t have that same accountability. And honestly, I think it is one of the hardest things about doing this online. I have been fortunate in stumbling into an online relationship. He has been good about taking a step back and giving me space to breath when it becomes overwhelming. He has been great about including aftercare with a scene and being sure I followed up the day after, pushing me to put my emotions into words for him (something which is not an easy task for me to do). Strict, pushing me… and yet never seeming to forget that there is still a real person on the other end reading his messages.
I’m not naive. I know that in real life there would be some HUGE obstacles to an ongoing relationship. There is a significant age gap as well as a significant difference in some key personal beliefs. While our kinks match up well, and I have no doubt the sex would be great and great fun, I have a very hard time seeing how life beyond that would really work for us. But that was something to deal with in the future. I figured something would happen in one of our lives which would be communicated for a clean break to be made before the opportunity for real life ever arose. One of us would find someone in real life, one of us would want more than the other could offer, something. I anticipated that we would formally say good bye via our online communications.
But then his life was suddenly plunged into chaos. A chaos I know is happening but really know nothing about beyond that. I have no idea how intense the chaos is, nor how long it might last. But I do know that I have gone from hearing at least something from him nearly daily to going nearly 2 weeks without a single word. Not even hello.
Add to this, some rather unfortunate timing where, after our last scene (or session if you prefer), which was rather intense and unexpectedly emotional for me, I found myself in what I am presuming, from the reading and research I have done, to be a bad case of subdrop. I was tired and weepy for several days and it wasn’t helped by some random things going on in my life that particular week. And I found myself being the needy girl I have been taught to chase away. I felt like Icarus. I had flown too close to the sun, my wings had fallen away, and I had crashed to earth. Hard. With no one to catch me or help me recover from the fall.
But I knew he had some stuff in his life fast approaching which would make him largely unavailable. So I forced myself to make some plans with friends. I forced myself to skype with some friends and family back home. I forced myself to go out on some long walks. I forced myself to journal and release it out onto the paper. I treated myself well. I gave him the time I knew he needed. I did what I could to support him during what I knew to be a hard couple of week on his end. But I remained weepy and I finally did what I really hated to do – I told him that I needed him to at least check in and let me know he was there. I admitted I was emotional.
I hated doing it. Cried through most of the email. But I didn’t know what else to do. And he responded, initially, with some wonderful words. And an apology that life had continued to prevent him from responding. An assurance that he had a lot to say and was trying to make the time to say it. And it was lovely. But it was also several weeks ago now. And in those weeks, one message to encourage me to have a good holiday. Other than that – crickets. radio silence. nada.
I’ve let him know that I can’t keep messaging him without a response. I’ve let him know that I won’t beg and plead for him to follow through on his promise. I’ve let him know that I understand life is chaotic on his end but that my emotions can’t handle this ongoing silence with no idea of when an end may be in sight. And yet my inbox continues just mocks me with its refusal to notify me of a new message from him.
So I’m left with letting go of a relationship I truly enjoyed and was learning so much about myself from. I’m left not knowing his side of the relationship or story. I’m left with blanks I can’t fill in when it comes to processing the experience because I thought I had plenty of time to ask the questions which would fill them in. I’m left wondering what I did wrong, why there isn’t even 2 minutes in his day to say hello. I’m left feeling like I’m not worth enough effort or energy to explain the time he needs to let life calm down on his end. I’m left feeling a bit annoyed and even disgusted with myself that I care so much about having closure to it all. I don’t need all the details. Honestly, I don’t feel like we have reached the point where I have any right to expect them. I just want to know how long the chaos just might last and if, when the dust settles, I will have found myself swept away in the storm or still standing.
And I’m left fearing that just as I let go, he will start messaging again and I will find myself feeling like an huge jerk for not waiting, for not being more patient and understanding. I’ll find out his side of the story is way bigger than I could have imagined and I will have closed the door on something and someone wonderful. I fear I will have ended whatever this is too soon and I’ll forever regret it.
I hate trying to figure out when to let go.