I’m back to rant/journal in a place where I can be me again.

I hate not belonging anywhere.  I really, really hate it.

I don’t fit into churches well.  I’ll never be crazy passionate about a particular denomination because I think they all have something to learn and something to offer.

I don’t fit into the churches where I live because I’m over the age of 30, unmarried/never married, and don’t have kids.  Too old for the young adults group, too young for the senior citizen crowd.  Too much without a family to be part of the family ministry initiatives.

I don’t fit into my job.  I don’t have any real place to use my degrees.  I’m too young to hip and cool and have too much Catholic experience to be considered of value beyond my secretarial skills.

I don’t fit into my family.  I’m not conservative enough.

I don’t have anyone special I belong with.  I thought I did, or at least had the potential and hope for belonging with someone special.  But the moment my busy summer schedule hit at work requiring him to make the effort to travel to see me instead of me traveling to him, I wasn’t worth it.  Didn’t even bother to say good bye.  Just disappeared.

I don’t even feel like I belong in my own apartment at the moment.  Through a series of events, I have found myself with a roommate and I know she needs to feel at home but her feeling at home is making me feel like a tolerated guest.  We will get it worked out in the coming weeks but right now, tonight, I just want it to be 100% my space and stuff.

I really, really, really just want a space in the world where I know I belong tonight.  I mean, I always do but tonight its more important to me than it usually is for some unknown reason.


Dating Sucks

I’ll just say it.  No, I need to say it.  Dating after the age of 25 sucks.  Dating when you are nearly 40, sucks even more.

I had no idea I was this emotional.  Like most days I find myself on the verge of actual tears.  Why?

greys quotes 1

While, to the best of my knowledge, I have not been on a date with a married man, I pretty much 100% concur with Meredith Gray.   Men – and their stupid penises.

So clearly the dating game has not been my favorite game this past year.  I met a great guy, we clicked in the way movies are made about and novels are written about.  I don’t click easily with people.  With him I clicked so easily.  And then his crazy ex started hauling back into court multiple times a month to sue for more child support, less visitation, more alimony….whatever she could think of.  And his life was consumed by it.  And before you know it, he’s moved to a new town in a new state and I’m not even on the radar to tell about it.

Then I meet the guy that’s the perfect match on paper.  We are both intellectuals.  We are both single, never married.  We both love teaching (different things, but still).  We share very similar political and religious beliefs.  Check that box.  Cross of the next item on the list.  We are having fun together.  We are emailing pretty much every day (long, involved emails).  And then he doesn’t have time, he needs to focus on the projects he has undertaken at home.  I call him on his shit.  He’s breaking up with me and just doesn’t want to say it.  At least he admitted he was being a less than ideal human for doing it over email after saying he was making plans for us to spend time together that weekend.  What a way to ring in 2018.  Ugh.

Some time goes by and I’ve started up a pleasant online chat with a more local guy.  He seems a good balance between the two previous guys.  We share our faith but he also enjoys being a bit more flirty and fun with his conversation.  He makes me smile and laugh.  But then he gets into a car accident.  He wants to get healed up before we meet.  OK.  I get that.  Good first impression and all.  We keep talking.  We keep having fun.  But he stops answering the serious questions and only acknowledges the flirty ones.  And when I call him on it, when I tell him that I’m not interested in being free, interactive online porn for him….crickets.  Fucking nothing.

I hate dating.  I hate it so much right now.  Whoever said this was fun should be locked away.  It’s ambiguity and angst.  It’s overthinking and overanalyzing.  It’s trying to be yourself while also trying to impress another person.  It’s being forced to be hyper aware of every single, tiny, miniscule little flaw in your personality, habits, and life.  It’s desperately wanting to be seen and accepted for who you are and being reminded again and again that who you are, isn’t good enough.  It’s getting your hopes up just in time to have them smashed into bits and pieces again.

Good, if teenagers are trying to figure all of this out, no wonder they act so damn insane all the time.  I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m supposed to be mature and responsible and able to handle all this shit.

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What’s the Appeal?

I’ve been trying to figure out something for awhile now.  Why the appeal of bondage?  Specifically, why does bondage which flows more towards mummification hold some appeal to me?

It wasn’t all that long ago I had a bad case of sub drop.  And since then, I’ve felt a little shaky in general.  Not still dropping but not 100% back to my old self either.  It finally dawned on me a week ago that usually when I’m feeling this way, my thyroid is out of whack and my meds need to be adjusted (seriously, thyroid disease can really suck!) so I’ve made an appointment.  But in processing and waiting for that appointment and blood work, something else has also occurred to me.

I’ve discovered that I love being held.  Especially when things seem a bit overwhelming.  Or at the very least, I need to hold on tightly to something, or someone.  I need to feel anchored.  I need to feel like I won’t literally fall apart.  A few months ago I was with the guy I’ve been exploring with.  We are doing the semi long distance thing so I’m always wanting to make the most of the time we have together.  So, for me, that means not getting overly emotional when I’m with him.  But this one time, it was just too much and as I lay curled up next to him, I just started crying.

He was great.  He just held me tighter until I could answer his softly spoken question, “What’s wrong?”   We talked.  We put the sexy times on hold.  I felt calmer, less overwhelmed, less crazy.  And big part of that was that he didn’t let go of me the entire time.

I think that’s part of why bondage appeals to me.  I look at the images of girls being tightly bound, tightly wrapped and I can’t help but think how much I wish I could feel tightly held in anything at all when my emotions threaten to get the better of me.  For that feeling reminds me that I am here, I am real, I am solid, I’m not breaking into the millions of pieces it feels like I’m breaking into…..and in that reminder, I feel safe to let go and express what I keep too often bottled up inside.

Can’t it be enough?

It’s been awhile.  I’ve been living life.  Graduated from grad school, for the second time.  Moved back to the US, reluctantly.  Working a job I love, thankfully.  Searching for a church community to be part of, frustratingly.

And seeing someone.

I feel like in many ways, I’ve won the lottery.  Especially since we connected on fetlife and, well, fetlife has more than its fair share of creeps you have to sort through.  He’s a great guy.  Patient.  Gentle.  Respectful.  Intelligent.  (Seriously, complete sentences are such a turn on for me!)  Hits so many very nice buttons just to be with him.  Makes me feel safe and loved and cherished in a way I’ve never experienced before.

I want it to be enough.

But he’s nearly old enough to be my dad.  And even that would be fine….but I want kids and he, understandably, is done with having babies since he is already raising 3 of his own.

And our vanilla lives have some serious incompatibilities to be overcome.   And there’s a lot I’m not ready to walk away from.

And he isn’t Christian.   He 100% supports my faith but I want someone who shares it in some way.  I’m tired of sitting alone in church each Sunday.

But when we are together, when we are in our own little world, everything just feels so right and so wonderful.  And it hurts like hell each time I have to leave.  And I know he would plan a future together for us in a heartbeat, if I could just let go of the kids thing, and the faith thing and make my vanilla world work more smoothly with his.

So we know, we have a spoken but rarely talked about agreement, that I’ll keep looking for the guy who offers that little bit more and in the mean time, we will enjoy our little bubble of a world as much as possible.  All the while wishing that our bubble could be enough for both of us.

Oh the Irony

I have spent my entire life worshiping in a Christian church.  My faith is a significant part of who I am and who I will continue to be.  But the Christian church needs to address some serious issues when it comes to sex and relationships.

A big part of what I’ve been told as a female for as long as I can remember in the church is that it is not what is on the outside that matters, but what is on the inside.  That beauty is more than skin deep.  That looks will fade but character will last forever.  That faith is the most important thing and so long as you are faithful to God, you will be rewarded with a husband who is a good guy and you will have great sex.

I’d like to call the Christian community on their bullshit.  And yes, I realize the chances of the Christian community finding this blog are slim but give me a break, I’m venting here folks!

I’ve been active in my local church since I was a kid going to Sunday school and youth group.  I’ve worked in a couple of churches.  I’ve been a key, active volunteer in a couple more.  I’ve coordinated regional youth events for multiple churches.  Not a single date.

I’ve joined dating websites, put my church stuff front and center.  Talked about how important faith is to me, how I want to be able to share that with someone.  I’ve talked about wanting to travel and explore the world.  As soon as they see my picture and realize I’m not now, nor will I ever be, a size six model, its crickets.  I recently put up a new profile which was clear in stating my body type as a BBW on eharmony… message.

And then there is my profile over on fetlife.  No picture of me posted there (for obvious reasons), a clear note on my body type, and yet I’ve met a handful of really amazing guys for whom it isn’t an issue.  So long as I’m happy and striving to be healthy.  They truly are interested in the person, and not just a trophy to show off.

It’s ironic that these guys who I have been warned away from, been told that they must be horrible monsters with no respect for women because they, likely, have seen porn, are the ones which make it clear that beauty is so much more about who a person is than what they look like.  It’s ironic that they are more a tangible example to me of Christ’s love than the guys I’ve met in the church.  It’s ironic that the people I’ve met there are more real and honest about themselves and their struggles than most of the people I’ve met in the church.

So church, shape up and be honest with yourself.  Stop claiming that physical appearance isn’t a top priority when your actions say otherwise.  Stop claiming you don’t wonder and struggle when you clearly do.  And stop claiming to be a place of grace, where it is save to talk about such things when you take that information to shame people back into silence.  You have so much to offer, if you’d just get out your own way and truly follow Jesus’ example.

I Get It Now

I have to admit, for years I have always looked down a bit on those “give in” and have sex before marriage.  ‘Just control yourself.  You aren’t animals,’ I would think to myself.  Then again, its easy to preach self control when your sexual experience amounts to a handful of first dates, a couple of obligatory pecks on the cheek, and personal time with the internet, fingers and a vibrator.

But I’ve met someone and we are venturing into the world of real life, semi-long distance relationships.  I was recently able to be with him for an all too short weekend.  It was wonderful.  Better than I could have imagined it being.  And oh so tempting to just throw caution, safety, conversation, and common sense out the window.  Even now, I’m thinking that if he were to walk through my door I would waste very little time before getting naked.  For today I feel an urgency in my want to be with him once again.

And so today I have to admit that I get it now.  I get how easy it can be to get swept away in a moment and the work required for at least one person to keep a clear head and stay thinking while we are together.  And today, I must apologize and beg forgiveness of all those who I was less than gracious with then the moment got the best of them.


When to Let Go

**This was written a couple of months ago, but I find myself once again asking such a question and so I’m going to go ahead and post it.**

My real life, for a number of reasons both temporary and more long term, doesn’t really allow me to explore my kink beyond online interactions.  They have their limitations but they also have their benefits and I know without them, there is a lot about myself I would never have learned.

But I think the hardest part about them is finding that sense of closure when it might be time to end them.  You see, in the online world, it is easy to let that message go unanswered because you don’t see that person in the real world.  If you aren’t feeling it anymore, you can just stop communicating and drift away.  Your partner isn’t sharing your bed each night.  You don’t run the risk of seeing them at the local grocery store.  Hell, you may or may not even know what they truly look like depending on your levels of honesty and openness with photo sharing.

Real life is different.  Perhaps your partner is right there so if something doesn’t seem right, you have to eventually work it out or face a long, drawn out, uncomfortable living situation.  Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who is married to your kinky partner – all the more reason to make things work.  Maybe you just live in the same area so you meet up on a regular basis – you still run the risk of bumping into each other at the store, seeing each other from a distance at the local park.  Your partner knows where you live and so can come over the confront you when you try to just ignore them until they go away.

Even if real life gets super busy and you can’t work the kink in, or meet up for the kink, you are there to be part of the chaos, or at least witness it first hand.  You can get a feel for how long it might last.  You can steal those short, fleeting moments.  Especially for those of you lucky enough to be married/living together, you can still have their physical presence there, reminding you that they are real and this isn’t all in your imagination.

Online doesn’t have that same accountability.  And honestly, I think it is one of the hardest things about doing this online.  I have been fortunate in stumbling into an online relationship.  He has been good about taking a step back and giving me space to breath when it becomes overwhelming.  He has been great about  including aftercare with a scene and being sure I followed up the day after, pushing me to put my emotions into words for him (something which is not an easy task for me to do).  Strict, pushing me… and yet never seeming to forget that there is still a real person on the other end reading his messages.

I’m not naive.  I know that in real life there would be some HUGE obstacles to an ongoing relationship.  There is a significant age gap as well as a significant difference in some key personal beliefs.  While our kinks match up well, and I have no doubt the sex would be great and great fun, I have a very hard time seeing how life beyond that would really work for us.  But that was something to deal with in the future.  I figured something would happen in one of our lives which would be communicated for a clean break to be made before the opportunity for real life ever arose.  One of us would find someone in real life, one of us would want more than the other could offer, something.  I anticipated that we would formally say good bye via our online communications.

But then his life was suddenly plunged into chaos.  A chaos I know is happening but really know nothing about beyond that.  I have no idea how intense the chaos is, nor how long it might last.  But I do know that I have gone from hearing at least something from him nearly daily to going nearly 2 weeks without a single word.  Not even hello.

Add to this, some rather unfortunate timing where, after our last scene (or session if you prefer), which was rather intense and unexpectedly emotional for me, I found myself in what I am presuming, from the reading and research I have done, to be a bad case of subdrop.  I was tired and weepy for several days and it wasn’t helped by some random things going on in my life that particular week.  And I found myself being the needy girl I have been taught to chase away.  I felt like Icarus.  I had flown too close to the sun, my wings had fallen away, and I had crashed to earth.  Hard.  With no one to catch me or help me recover from the fall.

But I knew he had some stuff in his life fast approaching which would make him largely unavailable.  So I forced myself to make some plans with friends.  I forced myself to skype with some friends and family back home.  I forced myself to go out on some long walks.  I forced myself to journal and release it out onto the paper.  I treated myself well.  I gave him the time I knew he needed.  I did what I could to support him during what I knew to be a hard couple of week on his end.  But I remained weepy and I finally did what I really hated to do – I told him that I needed him to at least check in and let me know he was there.  I admitted I was emotional.

I hated doing it.  Cried through most of the email.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  And he responded, initially, with some wonderful words.  And an apology that life had continued to prevent him from responding.  An assurance that he had a lot to say and was trying to make the time to say it.  And it was lovely.  But it was also several weeks ago now.  And in those weeks, one message to encourage me to have a good holiday.  Other than that – crickets.  radio silence.  nada.

I’ve let him know that I can’t keep messaging him without a response.  I’ve let him know that I won’t beg and plead for him to follow through on his promise.  I’ve let him know that I understand life is chaotic on his end but that my emotions can’t handle this ongoing silence with no idea of when an end may be in sight.  And yet my inbox continues just mocks me with its refusal to notify me of a new message from him.

So I’m left with letting go of a relationship I truly enjoyed and was learning so much about myself from.  I’m left not knowing his side of the relationship or story.  I’m left with blanks I can’t fill in when it comes to processing the experience because I thought I had plenty of time to ask the questions which would fill them in.  I’m left wondering what I did wrong, why there isn’t even 2 minutes in his day to say hello.  I’m left feeling like I’m not worth enough effort or energy to explain the time he needs to let life calm down on his end.  I’m left feeling a bit annoyed and even disgusted with myself that I care so much about having closure to it all.  I don’t need all the details.  Honestly, I don’t feel like we have reached the point where I have any right to expect them.  I just want to know how long the chaos just might last and if, when the dust settles, I will have found myself swept away in the storm or still standing.

And I’m left fearing that just as I let go, he will start messaging again and I will find myself feeling like an huge jerk for not waiting, for not being more patient and understanding.  I’ll find out his side of the story is way bigger than I could have imagined and I will have closed the door on something and someone wonderful.  I fear I will have ended whatever this is too soon and I’ll forever regret it.

I hate trying to figure out when to let go.

Thanks Y’all

While it is no surprise to me that the US wins in the most hits to this blog in its short life thus far, I would just like to say I’m always amazed and humbled when people from around the world happen upon my little corner of the web.  So just a short post to say I appreciate all you world-wide readers.

Also, a general apology for the random spelling and grammar mistakes.  Perhaps if my regular life didn’t require constant editing of every word I write, I might be more motivated to closely edit posts here.  But for now, this is for fun, to take a break from that more structured writing.  As such, I’ll just thank everyone, past, present and future, for being patient with the random mistakes and missed words.

Hope everyone is having a GREAT weekend!

Rant – Do Some Quality Research

Fair warning: Today’s post is going to venture more into the ranting side of life.  Inspired mostly by a blog post entitled: Do Christian Wives Have to Submit to Bondage and Sadomasochism Requests From Their Husbands?

Let’s just start by stating a few personal bias points which I will acknowledge come into play.  First, I am single and have never been married.  Second, I am a Christian who has some interesting in BDSM/kink.   Third, I have a master’s in Ministry and am just about to finish a second master’s in Scripture.  Fourth, one of my biggest pet peeves is when Scripture is taken out of context as it is primarily taken out of context by those who are abusive of the power they have been given but not earned.

So, shall we start the ranting?

First, let’s start with the ignorance the title of the post and the first few paragraphs reveal.  All of the author’s information is from wikipedia.  Zero effort has been made to understand that there is a very wide spectrum of activities covered by the four little letters of BDSM.  If you are going to write about anything and expect me to believe you to be any sort of authority, wikipedia will be the absolutely last source you quote to me.  You’ll use that only as a starting point, looking instead for at articles they have pulled their information from.  You will have talked with someone who has a lived experience and views it as positive as well as someone who views a lived experience negatively.  Also, it should be noted in the title as well as the introductory comments that the author interesting left out the Dominance/submission aspects of BDSM.  Interesting given those aspects actually, in many ways, line up with a lot of what is out there to help Christian women understand how to be a good submissive wife to their husband.

Second, given her lack of understanding of the wide range found within BDSM, there is no attempt to help the wife who has written in to request help to know what to do when her husband requests these activities.  I mean, let’s be honest for a moment and admit there is a lot of extreme stuff shown online under the title of BDSM.  But the reality of practising it for the large majority of it is much more mellow, tame, and realistic.  I’ll look at the images of a woman being whipped, or tightly bound, or subjected to a fucking machine and think to myself that those would be interesting activities to try but in the way most wonder what it would be like to skydive, or go bungee jumping off of a bridge, or visit Antarctica, or have high tea with the Queen of England.  The reality is that, if you do actually happen to experience one of these things, it is going to be a once in a lifetime experience.  I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that more communication around this subject has happened with this particular lady but I’m doubting it.

Third – Her initial response is to list a bunch of scripture as to why activities which involve pain and bruising aren’t godly.  Well then, I’m afraid there are a lot more activities which need to come off the list of acceptable, godly activities.  I mean think about anything and everything which causes you to feel pain or causes you to bruise.  As much as Scripture talks about heaven being a place of no more pain (side bar – does that mean I won’t stub my toe ever again once I’m in heaven?!), it also talks about there being a purpose to pain.  It teaches us.  It strengthens us.  And doing a little research into the reality of BDSM, the author would have learned that very little of the time in healthy, non-abusive BDSM relationships is pain inflicted just for the purpose of causing pain.  Instead a lot of it is about exploring that line between arousial and pain.  Or exploring the extremes between pain and pure bliss.

Fourth – Her advice focuses on confrontation, not communication.  And the last time I checked, it was communication which was a vital part of any healthy, loving relationship between two people, not confrontation.  And why are there twice as many steps to confront a wife who is not providing the sex you want versus 4 steps for confronting a husband who is not providing the sex you want.  I get that men and women are wired differently but seriously, that much so?  Where are the steps to help with effective communication?  Where is the guidance on fighting fair with your partner?  Where are the guidelines that will help him explain to her why he is interested in BDSM and her explain to him why a particular aspect doesn’t work for her?

Fifth – Sex, ultimately, is something wives should consent to doing for their husbands regardless of the enjoyment they may or may not find in it.  And people wonder why I’m not married.  I have enough on my to-do list, so sex which doesn’t offer an emotional connection, an increase in intimacy, which is simply an obligation I must fulfil as part of my wifely duties?  Thanks but no.  I can get that kind of sex by picking up a guy at a bar.  In marriage sex is supposed to be more than what you can get from a stranger.  Not to mention, this totally ignores the entire context of Ephesians 5.  While yes, vs. 22-24 talk about how wives are to submit to their husbands, vs. 25-33 focus on how the husband is to treat his wife.  He is to love her as Christ loved the Church – i.e. sacrificially, giving up his very life so that she may experience an abundance and fullness in her life.  He is treat her body as if it where his own – i.e. he shouldn’t be demanding that he be able to whip, spank, or bind her if he isn’t willing to let her do the same in return PLUS he should be seeking to be sure she experiences just as much physical pleasure as he does.

Sixth – Essentially, it all boils down the responsibility of the woman to make the sex life, if not great, then at least acceptable.  There is no call to men to educate themselves as to how to make sure their wife is experiencing pleasure when they have sex.  Wives are specifically encouraged to give “a great deal of respect and reference for your husband” but the reverse is omitted.

Last but not Least – Being that this article is posted by an exclusively Christian blogger, no where does the author address the issue of where the husband got his BDSM inspiration to start with.  I mean, after all, anything related to the BDSM world is considered porn by the conservative Christian community and yet no where are the men called to task on their obvious viewing of such sites.

It’s honestly crap like this that makes me want to scream and shake some common sense into my fellow Christians.  I do hope the couple the author is attempting help finds their way into counselling which, first and foremost, teaches them to talk to each other from a place of equal footing, love, and respect because clearly such help will not be offered by the blog’s author.